"Emo" Period

As the title suggests, there was once a period when I secluded myself from people. That was back in secondary school and I was pretty lonely that time. My sister was married off to some guy and she rarely came home, so I couldn't really seek her out for advices on a girl problem and a CCA I really hated.

I didn't speak to anyone for quite a long time. I was enclosed myself in my room and I did my work. My mother rarely spoke to me and my sister, she told me, found my actions really weird. I was like this person keeping a lot of things to himself and bottled them up. One day, I saw a few of my classmates using scissors or knives carving words on their arms. I thought it was cool, and clearly I was really dumb that time because I came home, took a pen, used the tip and engraved the words "I love you" on my arm.

It was a painful process but I was reminded of what the Albino from the Da Vinci Code book said: Pain is good. And clearly again, he was a sick person but I didn't exactly know what I was doing. So, when it was done, I was proud of what a work of "art' it was and went to sleep, pleased to myself.

My mom wasn't the first to notice but when she did, I think she grabbed my arm and demanded to know what I've done to myself. She knew it through the teachers at school who told her about my situation. I proceeded to lock myself in my room, refusing to come out and explain why I did it. If I'm not wrong, she also knew about my refusal to attend school band.

So I cried in my room, telling her that life sucks and I hope that this horrible part of my life would just disappear and stuff like that. She sat outside my room, also crying and told me that she was heartbroken that her son was cutting the flesh that came from her womb. She told me that I would go on and do great things in life but right now before we do those stuff, we have to go through life and savour whoever up there or Fate has placed in our lives. But ultimately, the road that we want to lead often gives us obstacles and we have to overcome them to achieve our dreams.

It was one of the best talks I ever had with my mother. I came out of my room and she gave me a hug and apply some ointment on my screwed arm.

I listened to what she said and my life really turned around. I don't know, maybe if we see things a little more positive, life isn't as bad as we think it is.

Holiday In Europe

*Sorry, but I'm not showing any family photos here because I like my privacy very much. Really, I do.*

The only holiday I've been to in the past year, is the trip to Europe with my father and sister. It was originally planned as a backpacking trip but my father was too worried that I would get into trouble so he decided to come along and changed the backpack trip into a tour-group trip.

My father is definitely getting old because he was really tired after we touched down in Italy, Rome. Also, he is hard of hearing, making the both of us his hearing aid. My father loves me very much. He was very nice to lend me his undergarment suit to cover me up from the cold in the Swiss Mountains while he suffered the cold silently and only told me that he was cold after we came down from the Mountains.

But he is very stingy with his money. Whenever I want to buy something, he would cheekily tell me to ask my sister to pay for my expenses and I find that really sickening. Sometimes, my elder sister would tell me to ask our father to pay, so you can see where this goes. Back and forth...

Funny thing about my father is that he loves good food but he is not willing to spend more to eat them so sometimes he would keep harping on the price like "Hey, you know how much this cost?". My elder sister, on the other hand, is a little more relaxed about the expenses. Not that she's a spendthrift but how often do you get to come to Europe to enjoy the sights, the food and breathe in all that European? And I think that's reasonable to be spending on things.

However, my father is really a protective person. But I realized as I became older, the protective rein around me got loosen and I was free to wander around unfamiliar places. I guess, my father is starting to trust me and let myself become independent. Even before the Europe trip, he allowed me to go on my own to Australia on a school trip and his protectiveness still shows when he asked one of my friends to take care of me and not let me do crazy stuff while I was in Sydney.

Usually, vacations spent with the parents is a very embarrassing thing because my mother is this performer when she is overseas and she always, without fail, talk to the families in the tour group, resulting the rest of us smiling awkwardly at the other families. Thank God she wasn't here in this Europe trip, so my family was this really quiet one in the whole trip.

Then my sister made some friends with the other couples who were there for their honeymoon. Hmm, there isn't much to elaborate on that...

Besides, it was much more relaxed than the other trips I had because my mother was always this really troublesome person and she always make us seem not to enjoy the trip. I guess you could say that she's the joke menace of the trip.

When we were in France, I really wanted to visit the Lourve museum but it wasn't part of the itinerary. My father didn't really do anything about it but, being the really loving sister she is, she managed to persuade half the group to go to the Lourve museum and it finally ended up on the itinerary. I think the tour guide was a little pissed because his initial plans to go shopping were ruined.

Overall, it a great trip and I thought it would be best if the whole family could go together even though all of us have our shortcomings.

My Elder Sister

My elder sister is somebody you do not want to piss. She is hot-headed and makes good decision really fast. When I was younger, I always try to do her requests because I was afraid that she would scold me if I didn't do any of them right. Also, when she was younger and was studying in schools, I would always be wary to go into her room because she would be busy and yell at us, my sister and me, to get out. The most scariest is waking her up because she gets all grumpy. Even the maid is afraid of that.

But she can be very nice. Sometimes I would treat her like my mother because my real mother was always scolding me. Of course, my elder sister scolds me but she would always say things that are often nicer than my mother. And she makes more sense than her as well. Also, she always get food or toys for me too.

As we get older, she is always helping my mother out with the letters from banks. She also is very independent and my parents hold her in high regard because of her capabilities. I, too, hold her in high regard. So, basically, the whole family kind of depends on her and even sometimes my mother, being the head instead of my father, listens to what she says. If I were to say who has the biggest influence on me in the family, I would go with my elder sister.

She also offers me advice and cheers me up when I was depressed. There was a period when she was married and I kept everything to myself. Maybe it was a coincidence? My younger sis complained that I don't tell her stuff. Well, I don't have the habit to do so because she used to be so young and saw things in a different, childish, light so she can't really blame me.

Despite her independent demeanor, she is always my mother's little girl. Whenever she was really depressed and needed a listening ear, she would, almost every time, go to my mother and drop the emotional bomb on her.

Well, what I'm trying to say that my elder sister has come a long way, she's confident of the way she is and she's has no need to prove a point to her friends and family of who she is.

A Bad Fall

My grand-aunt recently had a fall in my house. Her weak legs gave way and she fell backwards, hitting her head against the cold marble floor in the living room. I was sleeping at that point of time and I heard a really loud bump. But what really woke me up was the scream that followed after.

The scene was epic. I came downstairs and the maid was screaming at the top of her lungs. My mom was sitting on the floor, holding her aunt in her arms and there was a lot of blood on the floor. She was saying things like "Aunt! You can't die now, you can't die!" My father then was walking back and forth, asking for the ambulance number, which we all know is 995, but he panicked and forgotten exactly what to do.

Sure, it sounds pretty messed-up but I cannot emphasize how funny and dramatic. It was like lifted off the TV screen and for a moment, I thought my grand-aunt had died. It turned out that old hag is still alive and conscious. For obvious reasons, I would not explain why she is a hag.

My mother then reminded my panicky father that we have a car and the hospital is just 5 minutes away from our home. So, we put her in the car with towels covering her bleeding head and drove. Thanks to my grand-aunt, my father went over the red traffic light for the first time in his life.

I don't know what is with my father, he used to be quite calm and he usually leads the family in times of emergency, crisis and events like that. Maybe age is catching up with him and now he has lost his cool. My mom, in spite of all the tragic events, remained to be quite the thinker. Though my mother may do everything by herself, my father would always support her by reminding things that she has forgotten to do. Like I said before, my father does stuff but he doesn't like talking to strangers about things. He isn't as charismatic as my mother.

As for my sisters, my elder sister was working so she wasn't there to witness the whole event but if she was there, I guess she would have already told my mother to drive grand-aunt to the hospital immediately.

If there is one thing I have learned from my father, it would be that I do not want to grow up to become like him.

Power

So it was New Year a couple days ago.

Every 1st January of every year, on the 12AM mark, the whole family would sit in front of the alter (We are buddhists) and pray to our Deity. We pray for blessings and wishes in our endeavors and future. My mother would begin by saying a few words to honour the occasion because my father is not really a people person. He is what I like to call the behind-the-scenes guy. Then we would begin chanting for like 15-20 minutes.

Things haven't change that much, I guess. And I should be feeling grateful.

Anyway, back to my father. He is somebody who does stuff but dislikes talking. Sometimes, I think he has really low self-esteem. I have never seen him with friends before and when we're out shopping or whatever, and he bumps into them, he would always say a few words, chuckling nervously. I don't know why he does that. But when he's with my mother, he's definitely more comfortable around her. Maybe because they were primary school friends. Aww that's sweet, that's what you're probably thinking.

My mother always has the final say in serious matters and only when my elder sister became an adult, slowly she was leaning more towards what my elder sister had to say. My father didn't do much except he listened. Also, my father would make comments about things if my mother was doing them too slowly or in the wrong manner. There isn't much power struggle in the family because I, too but slowly, am making decisions in the family.

I think my family doesn't have power struggle problem because we listen to each other. Sure, we quarrel sometimes but ultimately, we make decisions based on instincts and logic. Whoever makes the best sense we would listen to that person.

Quarrels

If you ask me, I'm probably the calmest person in my family. I take things at a relaxing rate and I don't really get angry, unless it's about me.

I don't like quarrels because, first of all, it's noisy and you have to draw out a lot of inner energy just to yell your reasons out to another person. My family quarrels, mostly with these combinations: Mom and Dad, Dad and elder sister, Mom and elder sister & my younger sister and me.

For my sister and me, we quarrel over small and absurd things and it always start off with a disagreement.

Mom and elder sister is the deadliest combination because it always end up with a loud bang of a door. And it's so scary that I sometimes have to hide it out in my room and come out when the coast is clear. But yeah, as I became older, my ears and mind have been finely tuned to their quarrels and when they do, I simply ignore.

The funny thing about quarrels is that after a while, you guys don't know what you're yelling about because it had turned into a who-can-yell-louder competition.

Who wins? I don't know, it depends. Sometimes, my mom gets her way because, she's the mother and my elder sister has to respect her motherly decisions. Sometimes, my elder sister gets her way because she's speaks logically. And sometimes, nobody wins and everybody ends up hugging, crying and laughing.

It's stupid, I know, but it's family.

Past Parents

Sorry that I haven't been updating this blog. It's just that I'm busy with coping with life and its many struggles.

One annoying and distinct thing about my parents is that they were behaving like traditional Chinese parents. They are authoritative and basically my younger days was controlled by them. They believed in the saying "Spare the rod, spoil the child" so I get caned for my little mischiefs. But there was this time I was feeling a little more rebellious, or rather sick of all the caning, and I threw all my mother's canes out of the window.

As a kid, everything I wanted or needed was done by my parents. Everything has to go through my parents and I think this resulted me being shy when I became a  teenager. While my other friends are adventurous and brave, I was pretty tamed. I then realized how much of my youth had I missed out.

I know they are caring and protective but sometimes I just wish that they could let me live my life my own way. Even if it means breaking a few rules or minor laws. Of course, I'd still listen to their words of wisdom and I won't be that stupid to attempt to slash anyone at a young age.

As I grew older during my teenage years, I try to distance myself away from my parents' over-protective and at a point in life, I no longer converse with my parents.

My mom became busy with work and whenever I have a conversation with her, it's so hard to click with her because she sometimes don't really understand what I'm saying and keeps on insisting on her old tradition rules and stuff. We don't live in the past anymore where black and white are so easily distinguishable. We're living in the 21st century where morals are grey and evil deeds are practically ignored because we might get mentally or physically maimed if we interfere

But that doesn't mean I don't uphold my values, morals and beliefs. I do, to an extent because certain situations calls for a different set of actions. I believe what we learn from young is all just theory, but when it comes to practicality, we follow our hearts and try to do the right thing. To further add on, my parents were pretty harsh on imparting the right values and morals to me and I kind of thank them for molding me into a caring young man, albeit loser-ish.

And my Dad, oh don't get me started on him. That guy don't even talks to me, mainly because he doesn't know how to communicate. I know he loves me because he is always getting things and food for me but I just wish that I could talk to him about matters. Like a guy-to-guy kind of talk. But I don't. We never really connected on a father-and-son basis and that, my lecturer, sucks.

So I always find myself divulging family secrets to friends and my friends became some sort of family to me because they listen. Though they may not be there all the time, they listen to me. Parents, on the other hand, don't listen but they are always there whenever I need them.

What a sad irony.